Loners
Kathy Sierra writes about being a loner and how it makes pair programming very frustrating. I can see her point - some people enjoy being alone and don’t like feeling crowded by others. That is different to not being a team player - loners can be very good in a team, but they do run into trouble when the team happens to be using pair programming or is just a very “in each others back-pocket” type of team.
I’m not sure what the answer is. As a manager (and I was always a really bad one), I’d probably be tempted to say sacrifice the one for the many. But does that really, in the long run, serve the company and the team best? Is there really no other way to get the benefits of XP Pair Programming than by this particular (sit side-by-side, etc.) implementation? Because True Loners aren’t against team work and being with people
There is a way. Move to the other side of the world and communicate electronically. I’m serious (though moving to the other side of the world is optional, a different cubicle would do). I work in a company that has people working from the two different offices in the US, two or three different places in Australia and one guy in India. We communicate electronically with a lot of success. The combination of instant messaging, voice chat (if your in the next cubicle that would be equivalent of poking your head around the corner) and email is extremely powerful for collaboration. If you wanted to take it a step further and do full on pair programming, add in something like SubEthaEdit so you can both see and edit the same document. The combination of either voice chat or instant messaging and SubEthaEdit would probably be perfect for a loner doing pair programming.
Personally, I think I’m a half-loner. I love being alone, I tend to dislike family gatherings and I often come across as anti-social. Despite that, if I’m alone too long I do get lonely. Then again, I’d say that anyone who says they don’t get lonely has either never truly been alone or is lying. Sure there are hermits that spend their lives hidden away from everyone but I doubt they never feel lonely at least a little.
April 1st, 2004 at 2:25 am
I think you’ve nailed it : )
It’s my sincere hope that folks *will* suggest other ways of achieving at least *some* of the benefits of Pair Programming but with different implementations. But from what I’ve seen, the other implementations are usually dismissed as “missing the whole point.” I’m NEVER convinced that a particular implementation of ANYTHING is “the one true way”, so I’m certain that there have to be other mechanisms for supporting the goals of Pair Programming, and personally, I do believe that your suggestion is the most tested and well-liked. It’s the one I’d vote for.
thanks,
Kathy
April 24th, 2004 at 5:55 pm
The day i stop learning about myself and the lessons given to me, by the universe, on my journey through life…..Death will only know. The joy and pain of being a Loner…..and the Karma truth as law…….inner journey to truth to ones Self….enlightment to inner and outher peace……Balance……And yet it all could be wrong…..AND THE WORLD WILL NEVER LEARN…..Only us LONERS Know………. Be Free…..
May 13th, 2004 at 12:06 pm
Since I was little I loved to be alone didn’t like many outings with others or with my family.Sometimes I would go out and enjoy myself….but mostly I ‘m an loner but the wierd thing about is I don’t feel like a loner even the most people and my family would say it that Im miserable Loner who seems not to like the world. But I like the world just fine Thank you and Im an happy person who just likes to enjoy the world in apeaceful way.
June 29th, 2004 at 10:18 am
Most of what people talk about is lame. As they communicate in their groups, it appears they are really valuing every second. It’s just mind boggling. Loners such as myself rarely experience this type of satisfaction, In reality it just one person exchanging their information with another persons information. Typically it’s surfice talk which is at the most monotonous. I must admit though a while of my own company and it becomes tedious.
October 17th, 2004 at 12:23 pm
I didn’t plan to be alone but that is the way it is and there is alot of unsung good to it. Singing aloud w/o some one to tell you to stop. Beautiful sunsets to stop and watch as long as you wish. I have alwys been by myself and I am begining to suspect that is because I am a whole person all by myself. Long ago Some one I respected that said the only truly weird people were loners and for some reason I recognized that was me. I new i wasn’t weird but still haven’t found where I belong. I have often wished I were Gay or something so there would be someplace to belong. I could have formed relationships and a family but I didn’t. So should I role over and die? I belive it is better to be all I can be and if other people come into my life great but if not I have still become all I can be. Whatever.
December 17th, 2004 at 5:52 am
Being alone, for me, is so frustrating, full of discontent, socially isolating, being misunderstood and yet so necessary. I need to be alone but alert to the dangers of this. There is something I am searching for and I don’t know what. I just read about ‘loss of soul’ in shamanism and I sigh in response. I do that often. I wonder what I am doing living this life at this time? What is my purpose, if any?
January 13th, 2005 at 4:06 am
It took me many years to figure out that I am a loner, most happy being by miself. Thru that process, I decided that people talk only to express their opinion. What is this overwhelming need that people have to tell you what they think? How many times while you were speaking could you see the listener just waiting their turn to speak? They have tuned you out before you even finish talking. There are times when I just stop speaking because I know they are not listening, then they look at you like you are an idiot. Why do I need this interaction ? Well, it seems I don’t, and like it just fine.
Thanks for listening.
March 28th, 2005 at 4:46 am
Rather like Pavlov’s theory I was trained to be a loner and now there is little I can do about it. Not a complaint you understand merely a statement of fact. I no longer know what to do about it. I interact (open and close my mouth when given space) at work, but in my personal time I find it difficult.
Brought up with a father with itchy feet, always off to greener pastures I soon found goodbyes painful and so decided not to make contact or at least any meaningful contact with others. I learned to close the door on each chapter and not hang on to things of the past - people I had met.
I don’t think that people fully appreciate how painful it is to say ‘goodbye’.
So I have learned to trust me, to talk to the only person who understands me, and to sing quietly.
My life is full of personal triumphs and great days when the world looks, smells and sounds good but there are days when I do wonder what kind of person I would have been had I grown to womanhood with schoolgirl friends; friends I could have had later through adulthood. But to dwell on such things only leaves one with the same question.
Life is great, books are wonderful and so is the wonderful glass of wine I am at present enjoying.
All freedom’s joys must be paid for.
February 20th, 2006 at 2:42 am
just finished reading what you wrote about a year ago on being a loner.I”m fifty years old now and came to just about the same conclusions.thanks for sharing.Martin
February 27th, 2006 at 8:40 am
I always knew I liked to be alone, but fought it all my life. My family, especially my mother let me know it was a bad thing, and that I would end up an old lady all by myself. This was a image I carried with me all my life. I did the family thing, had children, husbands and now find myself alone, content, but thinking I will still somoeday be a lonely old lady all by herself. Until I happened across “Loners” and conmected with others that also enjoy being alone. Finally, to learn that it is okay to feel this way, and I can better understand who I am, and stop thinking I have to change, join groups, spend time with people to be normal anymore. When I read how “loners” feel so drained and exhausted after socilaizing, and need time alone again to regain their energy I knew finally I have found out that there are others that feel the same way, and it somehow made me feel okay about myself for the first time in my life. I am a loner and that is okay.
June 21st, 2006 at 2:35 am
my best company is the lonelyness because i better be alone than with bad company yes sometimes i feel lonely but i get justoo it but sometimes you need people to be
with i dont i,m a loner i,m the kind of persons i guard evevrything i feel inside y keep my cool for noone tosee how i feel and its pain ful but i dont have abyone to be with or to turn on! thanks
June 21st, 2006 at 5:25 pm
Hi everyone, i’m also some kind of a loner. And i do feel that there’s nothing wrong with it though there’s something wrong with it when it’s too much because too much loneliness might ’cause you to be mentally retarded because of not having talking to another person. However, still loners aren’t bad people. However, if you’re a loner pray for the guidance of our God so that he may lighten us in our everyday lives and through trials and darkness.
Loners Live!
January 12th, 2007 at 5:47 am
Hi - glad I came upon this site. I am married to a loner. I finally heard a radio discussion talking about loners - and realized I was married to one. How frustrating it is for a non-loner to be married to a loner. I wish I knew this years ago. At least I would have understood more about him and where he was coming from- instead of being so frustrated and pissed off over his non-socializing. He spends less and less time with me - and his true colors are coming out after 16 years. Doesn’t feel he has to go out of his way anymore to do what I want. At least I can now figure out his point of view. However, if he doesn’t want to talk to me much/do much with me - hates any vacation…..where does that leave me. Can loners just marry each other in the future and leave us social folks alone.
Glad I am finding info on this subject - it helps to understand at least.
March 26th, 2007 at 2:56 am
Hi everyone,
All of your messages have been truly inspiring for me. I too consider myself to be a loner. Looking back on my life, I feel like I have turned my back on this truth instead of accepting myself for who I am. I am 22 years old and social interaction has always been a struggle for me. I had 3 great friends in middle school, my family moved away and all throughout high school I struggled to develop friendships. I always had a lot of acquiantances and “friends” but none that were anything special. In college, freshmen year, I never went out to party which is the thing to do in college. This was the way people bonded and grew close but I didnt have friends to do it with. Still, I was happy in a sense but there was this void of friendships. The funny thing is that I love being alone! I love doing things by myself, going to the gym, reading, golfing, writing, eating…..but at the same time I love people — though in small doses. And i happen to be very good with people individually or in smaller groups. People like me as well, but my problem has been that I push them away. I let them into my life a little, and then kind of squeeze them out, or if not totally squeezed out I leave them on the periphery. It is very sad. At the same time, I have learned to appreciate my real friendships, those that are most meaningful and that deserve my attention.
Because I think about my social issues so often and question myself, I have a hard time concentrating on other things. This is tough, especially as a senior in college trying to figure out what to do. I have tried to forget about these relationships and concentrate on myself and what makes me happy — being with people I like, do things that are fun, learning, etc. But it is hard as a loner!
ANyway, I try to wake up, and look at the positive of the day. The positives of LIFE, the beauty in it. The sunsets, the poems, I dream about love, sports, philosophy, people….there is sooo much out there which is beautiful and I try to apprecaite it.
But it is hard.
April 7th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Hi all. I’m glad I came across this web site. I never considered myself a “loner” but an “individualist person”. Through a few relationships I became pregnant twice and have two wonderful daughters, both of whom were raised solely by me - without the father or the child support. My two kids, ages 18 and 21, are off with their steady boyfriends at the moment, and I realized that I’m pretty content not going that route. After reading other postings on this site, it has given me more confidence that its okay to not “go with the flow”. My work situation has been stressful as it has recently changed and requires more “teamwork”. I find the pairing or working in “three’s” to be frustrating . . . especially when more work could be done with one person doing it with no interruptions instead of two of the three people standing around discussing how and why it should be done . . . because trailing off into some other non-related subject. An article referred to the difficulty of “pairing” certain individuals (i.e. loners), and now I will not feel so bad when my manager tells me “why do you always email the person?! Just get up and go over to their desk nearby and discuss it.” I realize now it’s my manager who doesn’t know how to deal with loner employees and that it’s not that I’m doing anything wrong. So, at 43 I’m usually content to be with my two dogs and my daughters (when they are not out with their boyfriends). I don’t need a crowd of people. I do, however, enjoy one on one conversations with special friends - not superficious conversation with acquaintances. - K
April 21st, 2007 at 4:52 am
I think that it is society which makes “loners” feel that there is something wrong with them. Loners need to understand that there is nothing at faulty here. Society is afraid that it won’t last if there are an increasing number of loners & fewer comformists. Many philosophers have said that “suffering and privacy are the two only things which can open a man’s mind to that which is hidden from others”.
The important thing is to have peace within. Krishnamurti said that “the moment you feel unloved it is because you don’t love yourself. If you love everybody–then you wouldn’t worry about not being loveed”.
Keep this in mind, even when you feel down. Peace & Love.
March 1st, 2008 at 12:26 am
I have been a loner sincew I was a small child. As the times I feel most complete and satisfied is when I ma alone and have accomplished greatness on my own, by myself. As loners we need no recognition for greatness. We are self sufficient and that scares the rest of the world I think. Those who feel the need for companionship and recognition for their deeds perhaps don’t realize what we get out of ourselves. I am a drummer. At a young age I realized that I was an Off Beat Drummer, much like John Bonham. So when Led Zeppelins music became easy for me to master though keeping up with Bonzo was at many times challenging early on. Once I did “get it” from playing any given song I was so pleased and expressed it by jumping up and down, yelling in joyous laughter and felt this immense satisfaction of being as good as anybody can get. I was alone, no one to share it with, no one saying “holy s%^$ man that was frickin awsome dude. It didn’t matter, I was at once satisfied. I have been in bands, I have a beautiful wife, 3 great kids, and a good job but I am still a Loner. I have only one what I would consider Best Friend and he is a loner as well as a musician (Guitar) and we often jam. What is interesting about this is that on many occasions we come up with some brilliant songs. we record them listen to them, make our own CD’s and celebrate it all by ourselves. Others that have happened to hear the CD’s are astonished that we don’t persue a “Recording Contract”. We are loners, sharing is not a need. fulfillment not based on success or money, just the inner warmth that comes from our own recognition within ourselevs. And yet here I am at age 51 sharing with anyone reading this what I have become. Or, perhaps no one will read this and it is all for not. But, will my time have been wasted? Perhaps, but I feel less bored doing so. I only get bored when I am at work or in social settings because it is then that I am Nuetral and doing, in my mind, nothing. It is when I am alone that I let myself fly, Like my name applies, Low Wing means that I fly, and I fly well, I just do so lower so as not to draw attention as our society looks for those hi flyers, the soaring socialites that crave attention. Loners could care less if we are recognized or not for the real reward lies within ourselves and we know it. Just don’t ask us to prove it for when push comes to shove and our hand is forced, those above us are very often eclipsed. But then, you asked for it.
March 9th, 2008 at 1:31 am
hi i am 34 this year and have been a loner most of my life. i went onto a website last year met a bloke who was just a user. so i am back to being a loner again, i am friendly but people always let me down. and they take advantage of my good nature. yes i do get bored but its better then letting people use and hurt me.
August 16th, 2008 at 3:59 am
My second post to this site: I realized at the end of 2007 my Spouse has Asperger’s.
I have spent a lot of time reading about it. Reading from ‘good’ sites. Trying to learn more about him. That lessons the stress between us. Now he needs to learn of ASP, to understand why he feels the way he does. There are sites for just ASP to chat to each other. Some loners may want to look into into this and either yay-or nay it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. No one should ever give you a hard time about wanting got be alone. But do understand-you have to explain that to someone who wants to play with you.
September 6th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Since I was a small child, I loved being alone. There’s freedom in being alone I can find nowhere else. I never had a problem socializing or making friends. But, I’ve learned through the years that conversations and interactions with my ‘friends’ just felt emptier and more pointless. And social outings are so draining. It’s tiring having to impress family or friends and (being from the south) knowing that their judging eyes never miss a second. But I’m married to a social-person and thank god, he understands me and doesn’t judge. He just does his thing and I do mine :)